Review #1 AKA "Too Many Rapists Spoil the Uke" or "Attack of the Erradiating Eye"

Well, for my inaugural review, I have selected a piece from the “prestigious” Clampesque. It’s true that sometimes one may find truly beautiful pieces of X fanfiction on this site, but sometimes…well you shall see. Also this is a bit of a combined MST and review so parts it will include parts of paragraphs but rarely the whole thing. I don't feel the need for summarizing it since I'm sure anyone can guess what's going on with the sentences that are provided. Oh and the link to the complete fic is in the fic's title. ^^

Code for Review: Phrases in bold are usually the ones being critiqued unless it is merely the whole section of the fic being reviewed. It’s pretty obvious which is which most of the time. The actual review is the stuff in the blue letters while the fic excerpt is in italics.

Our Destinies Were Foreordained 4/? [X / AU / R / SxS / SuxK / FxK / SeixF]

Chapter 4 : A New Sakurazukamori
By: Marion and Lilly

{Anyways, spoilers for X17, but anyways here's where this becomes totally AU. XD Warnings for violence and sexual situations in this chapter. Su/K, F/K, F/Su. Semi YnM crossover.}

Please for the love of god believe them when they say “totally AU.” Also note the F/Su. That’s nary a good sign. Sadly, being a crossover with YnM, one would hope for a unique fic. That is not to be. This fic suffers from the same thing as most X fics that feature the main four characters (Fuuma, Kamui, Seishirou, and Subaru) and that is lack of creativity. Oh and waaay OOC.

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Blah blah blah. Kamui's angsting starts the chapter. Of course, it's over Subaru. Who else?

{ And they didn't need to be any sort of empath to know it, for Subaru had spent that whole day inside his room, not wanting to see anyone nor be comforted.}

Normally, I wouldn’t mind this sort of stuff but this sentence is just sounds…confusing. May I suggest “And they didn’t need to possess any empathetic abilities to know this.” Yes, it’s wordier but it conveys the message without sounding so awful.

{They didn't know it had been the Sumeragi himself the one to kill him. And especially, they didn't know what Subaru had to become now.}

Again, we have reached the “wha” sort of sentence. This types of sentences make it really hard for readers to get what the author is trying to say. I would suggest “They didn’t know that the Sumeragi himself had been the one to kill him.” Or better yet ax the “himself” completely. It’s not necessary.

{Subaru had been wishing to hear for 9 long and lonely years. Seishirou-san... Why did you wait all these years to tell me these three words ? They are like a wound in my mind, my body. I could hate you for that but no... He could shed no more tears, his eyes had gone dry.

He couldn't stay there anymore, he didn't want to see the Seals' face full of concern and pity for him. He didn't want any of them, especially not Sorata and Yuzuriha, trying to comfort him.}

Hmmm, we’re trying here. That’s good. But remember if one wants to write streams of conscience, one must separate them from the main narration. Use paragraphs or such. Ellipses don’t convey it as well. In other words, any sentences that start using I should be removed from the rest of the body and put in their own section. For example, “Seishirou-san…Why did you….” should be another paragraph. And this is my own personal gripe but why are Sorata and Yuzuriha the only ones who are ever thought to be capable of comforting others? I’m sure Karen would be good at it and Aoki’s pretty understanding. Anyway, they are closer to Subaru’s age than the teenagers. Could just be because subconsciously everybody thinks of Subaru as a teenager. *shrugs*

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Kamui had knocked countless times on the Sumeragi's door for the last 3 days. He decided to try once more, but as the previous time, there was no answer. "Subaru !!! Please, open the door !!! It's me, Kamui !!! I, er.. we're all worried about you !!!" Silence followed his plea. He was getting very worried. He suspected the Sumeragi was no longer in his room, or even in the house of the Seals. His worry made him feel bold and he forced the door open, only to find his suspicions confirmed: the room was deserted.

Okay, using this paragraph helps illustrate a problem I sometimes encounter. Too much narration so close to dialogue may be confusing to some. Try to create a separate paragraph so it’s easier to read. How about having the cut point be “Silence followed his plea.”

{"Subaru ?" he asked just in case the omnyouji was still around, but only silence answered him again. I continue to lose them, all the people who count for me. My mother first, then Tokiko, Kotori, Fuuma and now... Subaru.}font>

Again, I emphasize the advantage of separating narration and character’s thoughts. I also suggest changing “all the people who count for me” to “all the people that matter to me.” It just flows better.

{He has been out looking for Subaru all day, just in case the omnyouji had gone to take one of his lonesome walks to Ueno Park, the place where that foul Tree of the Sakurazukamori's stood.}

Alright, because this is part of a series, I checked the other chapters to see if they referenced this. Nope. Therefore, how the hell does Kamui know which tree belongs to the Sakurazukamori? Kamui only knows what others tell him. He didn’t even know what his mother was.

{He felt sad. Why didn't he trust me enough to tell me he wanted to go. And I miss him ! God, I miss him so much ! He was the only one who truly understood me... He fell asleep on Subaru's bed, thinking of him.}

Yeah yeah, we all know why that is highlighted. Paragraphs please!

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{No, I didn't love Seishirou, I love Kamui... and I have to kill him... I know how Seishirou must have felt about that Sumeragi guy. And there, I'm thinking about him again when I shouldn't.}

Ummm…wha? Does anyone else have a problem with that statement, especially since this is Fuuma we are talking about?

{ Getting killed was getting killed, no matter who did it, what the motives were, or how he was killed.}

What do you know? I like this sentence. Sums up certain parts of X quite well.

{He also remembered Seishirou's other Wish. He had wanted to heal the wound inflicted on Subaru's eye by /Kamui/. He had never forgiven him for it. And Fuuma was determined on granting Seishirou's last wish. In the ruins of Rainbow Bridge, he had found Seishirou's good eye and he had taken it with him.}font>

I still tend to take this piece of canon evidence with a grain of salt. How come Seishirou gets two wishes? No fair! Foul, I say! As for the other highlight…un huh, I’m sure good ol’ Fuuma was able to discover Seishirou’s eye all intact and completely unattached to his body. The lengths people go to to avoid the fact that getting that eye was probably a very icky procedure. That and the notion that Fuuma could be…never mind. ^^;;

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{You know, Seishirou was not really happy with me after I took your eye, he said. He didn't really appreciate that someone else than him dared to hurt his boy... his smirk never fading from his face, if possible, it widened.}

Since I don’t feel like mentioning this throughout the story, I’ll just state it now. We do have these things called quote marks and we use them to uhhh…tell people when someone is talking! Argh!

{ He didn't need to be any kind of empath or wish reader to know what Kamui felt.}

Could be just me but didn’t we mention this exact sentence up in the beginning of the fic?

{It was a beautiful kind of flask, decorated with magical Ying Yang signs, and some magical symbols, possible some kind of dark omnyoujitsu spell.}

Gotta love those “magical Ying Yang signs.” Ugh and must we repeat “magic” right after it? -_-

{Fuuma, no /kamui/ wanted him to become Kamui's enemy. And he couldn't do that to the boy, because he loved him dearly. Why ? Why do I have to choose between Seishirou-san and Kamui all over again ? I already chose Kamui when I decided I would protect him, but now... I the choice is between leaving things as they are or becoming his enemy ?}

Sorry, personal issue here. I can’t stand how almost every other fic has Subaru pining over the choice between Seishirou and Kamui. There is no choice. He chose Seishirou. He has always chosen Seishirou. If you want to prove otherwise, then write it convincingly.

{Poor boy, he lost all the people he loved since his childhood, and when he'd finally found someone else, he loses him too... Sorata thought, gently smiling at the younger boy. "Good morning, Kamui. How are you feeling ?" he asked.}

And Sorata serves the one purpose he usually does in these sort of fics. He comforts Kamui, either that or dies.

{"Please, tell me the truth Sorata... I just need to know !!!" he pleaded with his friend. The monk sighed, he didn't want to hurt Kamui anymore than he already was, but he would find out the truth sooner or later, so it would be better if he told him now. "When someone kills a Sakurazukamori, that person must become the Sakurazukamori and keep the Sakura provided with nourishment." he answered reluctantly.}

Damn it! Not everybody’s life revolves around Seishirou, people! How in the hell does Sorata know the principles of the Sakurazukamori? Yes, he understands the Sumeragi vs. Sakurazukamori thing because of his affiliation with the monks and such but I’m pretty sure they don’t go into exact details on how the position is passed. Also notice now we have quote marks but two speakers are in the same paragraph. Naughty naughty.

{The tears that had been gathering in Kamui's eyes started rolling down his cheeks. No, please, not Subaru... Kamui thought, his mind understood, but his heart refused to accept the fact that his beloved was now walking in the darkness. Sorata placed a hand on the boy's shoulder, trying to comfort him, but it was shrugged off. "Please leave me alone Sorata... I just... I just want to be alone..." he said. He threw himself on the bed, crying, hugging Subaru's pillow tightly against his chest, his beautiful violet eyes spilling endless steams of tears. Subaru... Do you still love me ?}

I had to leave in the whole paragraph for effect. Kamui, do you ever stop crying in this thing? (Apparently not, as one will soon see.)

{Sorata knew there was nothing he could to do help Kamui at the moment, mostly because he didn't completely understand what Kamui was going through. He decided it was better to leave the boy alone for a while, until his heart accepted to understand the knowledge in his mind.}

And thus Sorata passes from the story, his ultimate purpose finished.

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{But more than the physical pain, he felt a pain inside of him, in his spirits, as his once pure soul and powers were tainted by Seishirou's dark powers. The Sakurazukmori's powers battled with his own, in the end settling into his spirit and strenghtening him.}

Now where did it say that the eye makes people evil? It just seals the Sakurazukamori pact. You don’t necessarily have to be evil to be the Sakurazukamori. Well, you do kill people. But so do many other “cuddly” anime characters and we still love them.

{I am the Sakurazukamori now. Not only had he killed Seishirou, but now he had his powers.}

Let’s beat the readers over the head with this fact already. We only mentioned it about a gazillion times in previous paragraphs.

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{Kamui finally left Subaru's room, but he didn't go downstairs yet, he didn't want the other Seals pitying him, trying to cheer him up, or telling him he needed to eat.}

Guess nobody wants those “pesky” Seals to cheer them up. Not Subaru. Not Kamui.

{Ueno Park held Subaru's very soul. The weather had gotten colder and damper ever since the Sakurazukamori's dead.}

The Sakurazukamori can also control the weather around Ueno Park? Wow! He’s like Zeus or something.

{And he was answered by a still warm green eye, but it's beauty was polluted by the golden eye which erradiated evil. It was Seishirou's eye ! He tried to scream, but he was fascinated by the strange beauty those eyes held. He couldn't take his gaze off them.}

At last, we have reached the line that inspired me to review this. First, erradiated isn’t even a word. Second, eyes cannot radiate anything, especially evil (radiate being the proper word.) Unless of course, Seishirou’s eye was so special that it was radioactive. Now, that would be cool. And the second highlight, we are fascinated by the clearly evil eye here. Hmmm. This eye is radiating evil. Run, dumbass!

{The boy's violet eyes showed happiness, fear, anger, love, betrayal.}

I’ve heard of eyes showing a combination of emotions, but five? And all so very different? Well, I guess he is the Kamui.

{"Shut up Kamui !!! It's none of your business why I left the Seals. I am a Dragon of Earth now. And did it ever occur to you that if I left you it was because I loved Seishirou-san and not you ? Did it ever occur to you that you're just a whiny little brat that not even Fuuma can stand ? Did it ever occur yo uou maybe I left because I'm tired of you and want to be alone ?" he answered, an evil gleam shining in his honey-coloured eye.}

This is what we call stating the obvious. This does not show that Subaru has turned evil. Plus, this is really really flat dialogue.

{Subaru just pushed Kamui onto the couch. "I am no longer capable of love Kamui. All the love I ever felt for anything or anyone died along with Seishirou-san. Love is shit Kamui, it will always make you get hurt. When you think you're happy with someone, somthing will always happen to take it away. Seishirou-san was right, love is a weakness and you'd do better without it."}

Why would evil Subaru bother to explain to Kamui why he’s evil when he’s clearly going to rape him anyway? This dialogue is in total contradiction with the previous one.

{He just lay there, too scared to move, letting the older man do what he wanted. The young Seal knew it was in part because he was scared of this new Subaru, but also because he still loved him. When the omnyouji was done, his cheek was still hurting, and all his body too. But nothing hurt as much as his heart after all Subaru had said and done to him. He silently cried, as Subaru fell asleep. Subaru, come back ! Please !}

Lookie, more proof that Kamui doesn’t mind sadomasochism. He doesn’t even try to fight. It makes some sense when he’s facing off against Fuuma who has a good chance of kicking his ass if he tries, but Subaru? Oh I forgot, he “loves” him too much.

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{ "Fuuma... he... he... raped me..." he said, unable to talk in a voice above than a whisper. 'Kamui' was suddenly filled with a terrible rage towards the Sumeragi, but he didn't do anything, he just held Kamui in an embrace, not knowing what else to do to comfort the boy crying and trembling in his arms.}

Good plan, Kamui. Go tell Fuuma, you know that person has a penchant for molesting/killing you, that somebody else raped you. It’s always smart to go seek help from one rapist against another. And yes, Fuuma is sad about this. Of course, he’s jealous and that makes the “good Fuuma” come out. Or maybe he was really the “good Fuuma” all along and didn’t know how to control his evil urges.

{He leaned close to Subaru and whispered. "Don't. Touch. Him. Again. I'm going to give you a lesson to show you to mess with what is mine."}

Hmmm. What happens when two rapists have issues with one another?

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{Fuuma had been furious because of what he'd done to Kamui. He had entered his house, yes it was his house now, without asking for any permission. And he "gave him a lesson" as he had stated it. That was why he was lying ther and he was so sore.}

Okay, now I’m only speculating, but did Fuuma just rape Subaru? The paragraphs before that seem to point to this conclusion. But still, talk about your “eye for an eye” scenario. Once again, why didn’t Subaru put up a fight at all? So what if he lost? At least he’d cause Fuuma some problems.

{Aren't you proud of me Seishirou-san ? I'm becoming like you, and Kamui is becoming like I was when we first met. Too bad I'm not going to end up like you did...}

And again, we state the obvious. Nobody thinks like this, especially not an evil Subaru.

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{Kamui lay in Subaru's bed, unable to move even a finger, couldn't even breathe, for fear of waking up the omnyouji, who slept soundly next to him.}

And how did Subaru get Kamui back again? Wouldn’t Kamui have…I don’t know…gone somewhere safe?

{He stared at his hands, which now bore the Sakurazukamori stars, as if in a trance. He couldn't take his eyes of them. He would have never, ever even imagined that Subaru would do such a thing to him. He was the new Sakurazukamori's prey and he didn't understand why.}

Kamui is being pathetic again. It gets worse as the paragraph goes on but I was nice enough to cut it about here. As for the star-marking thing, it is way overused. Try a new idea once in a while.

{More tears filled his eyes as he recalled the brutal way in which Subaru had marked him. He had not been as "gentle" as Seishirou had been when he'd marked the young omnyouji.}

Wait, how does Kamui know how Seishirou marked Subaru? Did I miss him there in Tokyo Babylon or something?

{Fuuma didn't know what to do, he wasn't good at comforting people. Killing and hurting people he knew how to do, but give comfort to a shattered, he just didn't know how.}

Ummm…he seems to know how to act around Kakyou and Nataku (before its death). Why is it that Fuuma is either a soulless bastard or a mistunderstood anti-hero? Can’t he be something in the middle just once?

{"Fuuma... I don't want to go back with the other Dragons of Heaven... Not now... I wouldn't be able to stand their pity. Please, let me go with you. Just for tonight. I just can't go back just yet." Kamui pleaded with Fuuma, not feeling ready to confront his fellow Seals, because none of them would understand him. The only one who had, was the one who'd hurt him and would hurt him again if he found a chance to do it again.}

Does that even make sense? Why would the person who has hurt him repeatedly understand him? Also, wasn’t Kamui afraid of Fuuma earlier in this chapter. He seems to have conveniently forgotten that.

{Fuuma just couldn't say no to that pleading voice. He felt something overcome him with concern for this young boy and he nodded. "Hai, you can come with me. But just for tonight. Just remember that this doesn't change anything. The fact that I'm being nice to you now doesn't mean I won't hurt you or kill you in the future. We're still enemies, understand that. But I promise I won't hurt you tonight." he said. Kamui nodded, fully understanding and accepting what Fuuma was saying, but otherwise didn't reply.}

Awww. Isn’t that sweet? Course, doesn’t tell us WHY Fuuma is being nice to him? How does Kamui know that Fuuma won’t just off him in the morning? Awfully trusting, isn’t the widdle fellow? Why can’t even one of these characters be consistent?

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{And I'm sure not even Hinoto could have forseen this !!! I don't even think Kamui understood what I was doing before he saw the stars ! he though, a mad gleam shining in his mismatched eyes.}

Hinoto sees all, except for hideously bad plots. Oh and Subaru is a bit stupid because Kamui does know what the stars mean.

{A frown crossed his forehead as he thought of 'kamui', but it did give him a certain mad pleasure that he'd finally done something to derange the cold young man. Fuuma must be really mad at me now. Oh well, it shows the bastard he can't control the others as he wants to pretend he does !!! Being the leader of the Seven Angels doesn't give him the importance he thinks he has. Anyway, from now, everytime Fuuma'll see Kamui's hands, it will remind him who really possesses that little brat's soul and body !!! Me, the Sakurazukamori... He laughed evilly to himself, not being able to wait to see Fuuma's face the next time they met.}

Subaru is a little *too* obsessed with this whole “get one up on Fuuma” thing. But if that’s the case, then why is he concerned? Hmmm…plot problems?

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{Seishirou's soul was transported to the Meifu, the land of the dead.}

It took 4 chapters to get to why this is a Yami crossover? Sheesh! By the way, isn’t there another fic that uses this exact same idea?

{No. It didn't happen. It just didn't! I can't believe Subaru is really the Sakurazukamori... Even if he killed me, not that he had the choice... Even if he has my eye, the eye I gave him to heal his wound... he thought sadly. He didn't want to think this was that Subaru had become, an emotionless killed, like him. He's not the Subaru I knew and loved anymore... I don't know him anymore... As if Kamui didn't have already enough with Fuuma... But what can I do ? He really did wish to help Subaru... and Kamui.}

Did Seishirou misplace his brain on his way to the Meifu? Of course, Subaru would become the Sakurazukamori if he killed him. Unless you use the other approach and say that technically Hokuto killed him, but that’s an entirely different matter. Now, helping Subaru, I might be able to understand after lots and lots of introspective and fluffy S/S thinking, but why does Seishirou want to help Kamui. He doesn’t care about Kamui. Kamui is just…there…to him.

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Awww. It’s done now. Well, despite the frequent typo errors, the lack of spellcheck, and the overdone plot, this fic did have a good premise. The stream of conscience is interesting to see when it’s done right. As one can see, that wasn’t the case here. Until next time.

~posted by Yuuto's Advocate at 12:35 a.m., on Wednesday, September 18, 2002